“All the confusion of my life…has been a reflection of myself! Myself as I am, not as I’d like to be.” – Fellini’s 8 ½
I am always trying to change as a person. But most of the time, that desire for change becomes an endless, obsessive pursuit of an unrealistic perfectionism. It morphs into a series of exclusions, omissions, and comfort zone defenses to limit my life to a fake sense of cohesion, clarity, and simplicity. It is in my obsessions that I felt I was curing my anxieties, but instead, in reality, my obsessions were rendering them.
I became self aware – slowly, at least – and was trying to make things better. So I planned a trip. This trip was simultaneously a testament to my obsession and a means of proving the distance I would go to break my comfort zones and try something unexpected within the context of my established social life. This trip was to be a refresher, a vacation – something to make the dullness of Pittsburgh and Binghamton once again bearable. I went with my publicized intention of having a good week off, but the real intention was to see her. That intention was served fast and blissfully, but it quickly came to a bizarre halt – a hiccup in romance and friendship. It was a discussion in a car that lasted less than an hour, but would change my life forever.
I often wish for cathartic, movie-like moments. This was one of them. It was an assault, but one of necessity. It was a deconstruction of my identity, the identity I had created through satiating obsessive-compulsive needs for control. She laid it all out, all of the issues I had suffered for the past eight years, and made it so clear. She brought me to tears and the realization that my life now will never make me truly happy and that I need to change. It was in a car ride, from the girl I feel something for, that my life was broken down. I’m so glad it happened.
She was an object of desire, something I embellished as perfect, out of my league, and somewhat untouchable. That was a mistake, and I know that now. I do not know what she truly feels about me beyond a friendship. I really didn’t then, and I don’t now. But I know in my head and in my heart that my time with her was great.
I’m home again as I write this, ready to ring in a New Year. I miss where I was and who I was with a great deal. My obsession leads me to reflect too much on her and that trip, and I’m trying to let it become just a happy memory where I only say “I’m glad it happened, but life moves on.” But while I work to eliminate that obsession, I feel that I will always hold that trip as a possible precursor to something greater - a precursor to a relationship with a girl I held in too high a regard, yet still found to be a wonderful person with her own anxieties, insecurities, and bad habits on the table.
I hope it does not make her uncomfortable that I wrote about her in this detail. But it’s the truth. It really is. I miss her, and I cannot thank her enough. I cannot thank her enough for being the guiding hand that I needed.
“Accept me as I am. Only then can we discover each other.”
December 29, 2013
released January 3, 2014
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